Mech5
by Iasonas
Summary: One of Sami's crack mech units are sent on an innocuous sounding mission. Some apologies to Joseph Heller. Rated not for kiddies because people say naughty things in real life.


Chapter 1 MacGregor

Smalls asked again, "Where are we going?" Bobby Braun snorted. Frankie looked away and pretended not to hear. Slow Joe didn't have to pretend. So I took pity on the kid.

"We're heading back to base Smalls. HQ says the battle is over."

"We're done," said Bobby Braun.

"It's over? But we didn't see any action."

"Yeah, we got lucky alright."

"But… what was the point?" asked Smalls. "We've been wandering out here for nothing?"  
"Hey Smalls," said Frankie, "shut up."

"And what are you even talking about? We're wandering out here for the betterment and glory of Orange Star," said Bobby Braun snidely. "And if somebody has to be out here wandering I'm damn glad it's us."

"But we didn't even see any duckies." Smalls said, his still young voice tinged with disappointment. "It all seems so… stupid,"

"You're adorable Smalls," said Frankie.

"Real precocious," agreed Bobby Braun, who was no more than a year older than Smalls.

"Don't worry," I said, "before we're done you'll have had all the tin ducks you can handle."

"But really we should all be saying thanks to Braun over here," said Frankie, a grin forming over his broad, leathery face, "for screwing that secretary over in HQ. As long as he's getting action, we won't."

Slow Joe laughed, "What I wouldn't give to get into her pants. How'd you do it Braun?"

Bobby Braun was red in the face and a little angry too, and he chucked an empty canteen in Frankie's direction. "Shut your mouth Frankie. I haven't touched her."

I didn't appreciate my boys talking about women like that, so I stepped in. "Don't be an ass Frankie. You know Bobby Braun has a girl waiting for him back home. He's a good kid."

"Hey Braun, you think you can show us those pictures again?" asked Frankie with a lewd smile.

"The tits on that girl Brauny," said Slow Joe, cupping his hands generously in front of his chest "Where do you even find 'em?"

"Why don't you ever share?"

"It's not nice to be so greedy."

"You should help your buddies out Braun."

"Does she have a sister?"

"She ain't a twin is she?"

"What's her mother look like?"

"Slow Joe, you haven't ever even seen a woman with her top off, and Frankie you perverted son of a bitch, say another word about her mother and I'll break you jaw," said a suddenly unflappable Bobby Braun.

That seemed to settle that for the time being and we continued to march back to base through until recently Black Hole occupied Orange Star countryside. Our boys had won it back just recently, and those bastards were being pushed back farther every day.

"I have too been with a woman," said Slow Joe after a while. Frankie and Bobby Braun just laughed, and Smalls joined them nervously. "C'mon sarge," Slow Joe said to me, "tell 'em. Remember our first leave after you was promoted? We met those two girlies in the bar?"

Even I had to laugh. "Joe, all she had to do was hold your hand and you were finished. That doesn't count." The other three laughed again, and Slow Joe just mumbled to himself.

It wasn't long after that that my walkie-talkie crackled to life. "_HQ to Mech-5, HQ to Mech-5, do you copy? Over._"

Bobby Braun swore a loud, anticipating what was coming. I motioned for silence

"Sergeant MacGregor here. We hear you loud and clear HQ. Over."

"_There's a change in plan, Sergeant. We need your men to proceed to the following coordinates_," said the voice from HQ who proceeded to list a string of numbers that Smalls scrambled to scribble down. "_You will rendezvous with Mech-7 at1600 hours and intercept a small division of enemy tanks that have slipped behind our lines. They have taken some fire already and should pose no problem for you_."

Bobby Braun swore again, even louder.

"_What was that Sergeant?_"

"Nothing HQ," I said. "It's just I thought the fighting was done."

"_So did we Sergeant, however there are still pockets of isolated resistance that have yet to be put down_."

"Understood HQ," I looked at my men and frowned. "We understand our mission, and we will proceed to the stated coordinates."

"_MacGregor?_" crackled the voice on the radio.

"Yeah?"

"…_Good luck_," and the radio went silent. I looked down at the ground and wiped my forehead with the back of my hand before turning to face my unit.

"Ok boys, you heard HQ. Our beds are going to have to wait for just a little longer. And Smalls? Looks like you're gonna get your wish kid. Hope it's everything you wanted."

Frankie slapped him on the back heartily. "We're gonna have so much fun Smalls."

Smalls smiled nervously and the radio came back to life. "_Sergeant MacGregor, you still there? We got somebody here who wants to speak with you_." I exchanged confused looks with the others before pulling the walkie-talkie out of my belt.

"Yeah, MacGregor here. Put him on."

A strong, unwavering female voice took over. "_Sergeant MacGregor, I just want you and your men to know how much Orange Star and I personally appreciate their efforts in this war. I know Mech-5 is one of our finest units, and I have every faith that you won't let me down._"

I recognized the voice immediately of course, and judging by Bobby Braun's surprised face and Frankie's disgusting grin, they did too.

"Commander Sami, sir!" I barked out quickly. "Sir, Mech-5 won't let you down, sir. I know my boys are the best mech unit in your outfit, and we're gonna show it today, sir."

I don't know why it was, probably some combination of respect for a fellow soldier who rose through the infantry to become a commanding officer of the Orange Star army, and because she was quite the looker, but Commander Sammi received the utmost devotion from the brave, sex-deprived boys that comprised her unparalleled infantry corp. I was no exception.

"_I… I have every faith you will Sergeant_." The radio crackled with dead air. "_Macgregor?_"

"Yes sir?"

"…_Good luck_," and then there was silence.

"Admit it sarge," asked Frankie, "you'd love to screw her too, wouldn't you?"

"Hoo boy," said Slow Joe rubbing his hands, "every soldier in Orange Star would love a piece of that."

"Well if she ever needs to raise morale, I'm sure we could offer a few suggestions, don't you think sarge?"

Call me old fashioned, but I don't like it when my boys disrespect women like that. It's just not right. Especially when she's your CO.  
"Frankie, Joe, listen hard: if I hear you bastards talking 'bout our commanding officer like that again, I will whip your asses so hard your mothers back home will feel it. Now get in line and start marching."

Our mission sounded simple enough. We would approach the road from a thick forest which would only make our job easier. Our target was a small Black Hole tank armament. We were trained specifically to deal with those flimsy tin ducks and were equipped with bazookas capable of doing serious damage to their metal hide. The trick was in hitting the right spot, the sweet spot below the turret that would blow the piece of junk sky high.

"You met Commander Sami once didn't you sarge?" asked Slow Joe.

"Yeah, yeah I met her."

"Really you met her in person?" asked Smalls, impressed.

"Yeah you'll like this story Smalls," said Frankie.

Before I had become sergeant, and this was before I had met Frankie, Bobby Braun or Smalls, me and Slow Joe, though we didn't call him that back then, were in the same unit under the command of Captain Lower, who was the bravest and craziest son of a bitch I have ever met and who approached the safety of his own life and those of his men with a kind of wild abandon that I've never found myself quite willing to duplicate. On one of our missions, his last, incidentally, we stumbled across a Black Hole factory nestled in the mountains and Captain Lower, God rest his soul, made the on the spot decision to capture it with out even calling for reinforcements. We stormed the factory, Captain Lower, myself, Slow Joe as well as a short sniper named Weinhart who also would not come out alive and another guy named Rankle who finished his tour of duty a couple of weeks later with a medal for exceptional valour and merit in the face of fire.

We all got one, all five of us, though only two of us were able to attend the ceremony where Sami presented us with them because two of us were dead and Slow Joe was still recovering in the hospital from a concussion caused by a shell that exploded right to the left of his head and would leave him deaf in one ear for the rest of his life. Rankle was happy to get the medal because it meant an increase in his monthly pension payments that he would soon look forward to collecting though the plane that would eventually take him home crashed on the runway as it tried to take off and killed everybody inside but of course Rankle didn't know that would happen and I'm glad I didn't find out until well after the war because that would have shaken me up bad. Sami seemed sincere in her regret for the fallen infantrymen which was something I hadn't been expecting. The other officers seemed distant, seemed like they didn't care to understand what any us were feeling but Sami seemed to know. She'd been there.

Slow Joe didn't want to know any of that. "Does she have a nice ass?" he asked. Frankie snickered. That was the first question he asked me when they finally released him from the hospital. It was the first question he asked when I finished my story. I don't know if he genuinely doesn't remember the other half a dozen times he has asked me that same question, after the concussion, you can never be sure, or if he just enjoys seeing my reaction. I told him to can it, which was the same thing I told him the previous six times and he may be slow, but he isn't stupid, and we walked in silence for a very long time before we finally came to the beginnings of the forest.


End file.
